by Albert Ellis (Author), Kristene A. Doyle (Contributor) 

by Albert Ellis (Author), Kristene A. Doyle (Forward) 

Dealing with People You Can’t Stand, Revised and Expanded Third Edition: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst 

by Rick Kirschner and Rick Brinkman 

Dealing With Relatives (...even if you can't stand them): Bringing Out the Best in Families at Their Worst  

by Rick Brinkman, Rick Kirschner 

Normal vs. Normalizing

We like to think “normal” means some objective gold standard — the mental-health equivalent of a USDA seal of approval. But statistically, “normal” just means most frequently occurring. That’s it. No moral weight, no hidden wisdom. If enough people do something often enough, it becomes the middle of the bell curve.

The tricky part is that our brains quietly use this definition to recalibrate standards without asking us first. The more we see something, the more we expect to see it — whether it’s a behavior, an outcome, or an emotional state. If everyone around you complains about being “so busy,” you stop imagining life could be otherwise. If all your coworkers answer emails at midnight, you begin to think that’s just how it’s done. This isn’t lofty philosophy — it’s just frequency data rewritten in your head as inevitability.

In CBT terms, this is the seedbed for unhelpful automatic thoughts. The brain will choose efficiency over accuracy for good reason so it doesn’t cross-examine every impression. If “normal” in your environment is sarcasm-as-affection, or panic before presentations, or constant low-grade resentment toward family — you stop labeling those experiences as unusual. They move from “occasional data point” to “default expectation,” and from there, they feed into the thought stream you rarely question. “Of course I’m anxious before a meeting — I’m always anxious before meetings. Everyone is.”

But here’s the pivot: something being “normal” is not the same thing as normalizing it. Normal is just math; normalizing is a social act. It’s what happens when you realize you’re not the only one with anxiety, intrusive thoughts, or that random fear you’ll say something wildly inappropriate during a eulogy. There’s a relief in discovering you’re not alone — it strips the shame off your experience without erasing the fact it might still be unpleasant or unhelpful.

The danger is when we conflate the two: thinking that because something is common, it must be fine to leave it unexamined. Statistically normal doesn’t mean emotionally optimal. Plenty of things are both frequent and terrible — hangovers, procrastination, group texts with thirty people. The point isn’t to exile yourself from the bell curve, but to notice when “most people do this” has quietly mutated into “this is the only way life can be.”